Sinner's Stockholm Syndrome

The other day I was pondering my need for repentance, and I began to understand what it means to be saved from our sins, and not in our sins. I realized that I if I want peace I need to leave my sins! As I pondered that need for change, I found some unpleasant feelings about leaving my sins and vices behind.

Let me give a little background to this post though. From my study of the scriptures and experiences on my mission, I’d experienced a constant peace amidst trial that seemed to surpass all understanding. When I came home, through the bumps of life, I lost the constant peace. I tried to get it back, but it was as elusive as smoke through my fingers. It would only last for a few days, sometimes a few months, but it never lasted.

At the time of this epiphany I realized that I wanted Christ’s peace, but I wanted the sinners lifestyle. I selfishly wanted peace. I was resisting the changes I’d been praying for, and everything was becoming clear in this moment. The moment of truth, literally, where I’d finally understand what Christ was commanding me to do.

“Come follow me.”

Christ was inviting me to leave my sinner’s lifestyle of selfishness and live a life of selfless service in everything I do. This time, I won’t turn away. I’m going to commit, and I’m going to live it. This was the whole message that Jesus Christ repeated to Peter “feed my sheep” and  “come follow me.” So that is what i'm going to do. If i make a few mistakes along the way

I feel like a seed has been planted in my heart, the seed of service, and it is now my duty to serve so that my seed will grow. So if you’ve got any service opportunities let me know. I’m very interested in serving where I can.

Decision or Destiny?

            I used to be terrified of going inactive. I was so scared that while I was serving a mission, a beloved sister asked me what my plans were when I got home, and my mind blanked, and all I could picture was me, not active, and living an immoral life.

            For reasons I won’t explain here I found myself going down a path of inactivity. Due to the path I was on, I bought into the idea that this inactivity was actually “part of my plan”. Because I had seen this happening on my mission, it was clearly a sign from God that I needed to go through this in order to reach my ideal destination: total conversion (think of the Apostle Peter: “when thou art converted….”)

            I’m writing this today because I’ve been feeling helplessly lost in a sea of spiritual despair and a light broke through the clouds and an insight hit me that I felt compelled to share. Here I quote from my journal: “My vision of inactivity came to be because that’s what I spiritually created; my inactivity was not pre-destined by God. Therefore if I want a different future I need to spiritually create one.”

            I have felt the deep sadness that has come from me departing from gospel principles because I gave fear the power to become my future. Now I’ve decided that I can and will change my future so that it is full of faith. To quote President Monson “Your future is as bright as your faith.”