In my
meditation today, I felt like I needed to journal. I have been on the brink of
new understanding lately, and I could feel it. I felt like this was a necessary
step in my growth, and I wanted it! I had just finished getting really bitter
and nasty with my mom, and I didn’t ever want to do that again. My prayer was
that this meditation would help me, so I decided to go with it.
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| Photo cred. http://www.exploremosaic.com |
In my
journaling I found some interesting tidbits that I’d like to share with you. I’ll
just quote from my journal though:
“Truth
is, it’s scary. I’m not exactly sure what’s going to happen when I accept
people as they are. I certainly won’t feel justified like I have been! I’ve
been in self-deception for a long time, and now I’m coming to the heart of
this. I don’t know how to live any differently. I need someone to tell me that
it’s going to be okay. I won’t cease to exist, and I won’t cease to feel. I’m
afraid that if I accept people as they are, I’ll lose all my emotions. But
truth is, I won’t have to accept their actions as they are. I can still be
deeply upset about something that happens, but never shame the person! In fact,
I imagine that I’ll have an even more rich emotional life! Because my emotional
life will be garnished by virtue: courage, selflessness, power, love. I will
have people who will more vehemently hate me, and love me. Like Christ I will
gain friends who will be closer, and more intimate than any friends I’ve ever
had before! I will also gain enemies who will hate me, and cause me more
sadness than I’ve ever known before. This isn’t an ending. This is the
beginning of a new dawn, a dawn of love.
“…The
idea of vulnerability in a friendship scares me. The idea of wholeheartedly
loving someone, of letting them see me as I am, really freaks me out. I might
let someone see me. I haven’t let someone see me in a loooong time! Like, a
long, long time! The idea is really scary, but I know that this is what I want
in my marriage: total authenticity and vulnerability.
“But
I don’t know how to live that way! What if it hurts?! Indeed. What if it hurts?
Will you die? No. But hurting is worse than death! If I die things just stop,
but if I hurt it carries on. I’m not going to lie to you, it’s going to hurt.
But you’re actually hurting more now than you will when you live in total
vulnerability and authenticity. You bury your hurt, and ignore your hurt, and
hurt yourself more in order to cover up the hurt, but if you acknowledge the
hurt you can forgive and then be free. ‘If someone hurts you, so much that your
feelings seem to choke you, forgive, and you will be free (F. Enzio Busche).’”
As I was
writing this I asked, “what do you do when you get hurt? How do you handle hurt
in a healthy way?” And the answer that came as I looked to the Savior of the
World. He gave the perfect example in all
things. As he hung on the cross, obviously hurting he did one thing that helped
him deal with that emotional pain of betrayal from those you love, those with
whom he was authentic, and vulnerable, and real. He forgave.
“Forgiveness
is one of the greatest medicines around.” –Kimberly Watts
As I seek
to live more like Christ, I will seek more to accept people as they are, not
judge them or their actions (which Enzio Busche also prescribes for Christ-like living in Unleashing The Dormant Spirit), be vulnerable, authentic, and real,
and forgive others when I’m hurt by their actions. If I don’t fully live up to
this perfectly, I pray that you will forgive me.
If you
haven’t read it yet, go read Unleashing
The Dormant Spirit by F. Enzio Busche. It’s on my blog here. If you have
read it, go read it again, it’s worth a reread or two (or fifty).
